For the past decade or so, I've been slowly but surely inching my way out of the tiny, suffocating box called organized religion—specifically Christianity, in my case.
Whether by nature or because of my religious upbringing—but most likely a mix of both—I've always been a spiritually inclined person. As a kid, I remember my mom (who had become a "Born-Again Christian" shortly after I was born) showing me how to invite the Holy Spirit into my heart through prayer.
I did as she instructed and then matter-of-factly told her something like, "It worked! I just felt Jesus hug my heart." And I wasn't lying. At that moment, I truly did feel a warm, divinely comforting presence swelling in my chest as though it were encasing my heart. I can still remember it. And it wouldn't be the last time I felt it. I went on for many years after that, happily and easily believing that there was a God who loved and looked after me, and that he was the Christian God, because my family and church told me he was.
The first time I can remember starting to seriously question my faith was when I stumbled across a book my mom's friend had lent her, when I was about 12 or so. It was nauseatingly titled something to the effect of, The Submissive Wife. Curious what "submissive" even meant, I flipped through the pages and read, with confusion that quickly turned to disgust, a woman giving other women advice on how to be more "obedient" to their husbands, supporting her assertions with Bible passages. I went on to read the author applaud a woman for "saving" her marriage to a man she found out was molesting their 13-year-old daughter. This was supposed to be an example of a success story—a marriage that prevailed even through the greatest hardship.
I vividly remember getting so angry that I literally hurled the book against the wall.
Who is the God this brainwashed, self-hating idiot is talking about? Certainly not the God I know...or thought I knew? Am I worth inherently less and meant to be subservient to men just because I'm a girl? This can't be true! This goes against everything I think and feel! I can't accept this! But...will I go to hell if I don't?
Practically panicked, I brought these concerns to my mom, hoping for her to say something reassuring like, "This book belongs in the trash. That's just a sad, sick woman. That's not who God is and that's not what Christianity is about." After all, my mom certainly didn't appear to abide by the sickening principles that this book (and, apparently, the Bible) promoted, in her marriage to my dad.
But there was no reassurance to be had. My mom was searching and confused herself, trying to find her own way. And though she conceded that the "success story" about the "godly wife" staying with her daughter-raping husband was despicably wrong, I watched her do mental gymnastics to try and soften the other less shocking (but still deplorable) things the author said, attempting to make them sound less ridiculous and derogatory than they actually were. She tried to wrap the author's cited Bible verses around hypothetical examples that simply didn't fit or only magnified the absurdity.
I could see that she was squelching her own logic and intuition for the sake of trying to make a specific Bible passage applicable to the life of any sane and decent person. To avoid disregarding the verse altogether (gasp!), she instead concocted a bunch of euphemistic "what-that's-really-trying-to-says." This was the same kind of (lack of) logic I would go on to see people at church employing constantly—well-intentioned people, anyway. Of course, every so often, you'd run into the hateful lunatic that actually stood by literal biblical interpretations—but to their credit, at least they were consistent. Anyway, after talking to my mom, I felt even more bitterly frustrated and hopelessly confused than before.
My struggle with the sexism I saw in Christianity—which became increasingly blaring when my mom transferred us from a run-of-the-mill catholic church to an evangelical, born-again church—plagued me for years. And it served as a spring board, off of which many more grievances would form—thank God (no pun intended...well maybe). As I got older and started to explore this book called the Bible for myself, I quickly realized it could not be taken literally. Not by any sane person, anyway.
...So, if the Bible can't be taken literally (seeing as it blatantly condones slavery and murder), why should anyone go along with all of the sexist, limiting stuff it says about women?
...Or any of this outdated stuff about staying "pure" until marriage, and being so ashamed and repressed when it comes to sexuality?
I managed to cling to my "Christian" identity for many, many years, despite the constant dissonance, discomfort and confusion I lived with. But these uncomfortable feelings only grew and became harder to live with as time went on. I watched the marriages of youth group and church leaders, who had preached the importance of chastity and family values, fall apart. I watched the lives of people who were "on fire for God"—which simply meant they fiercely despised and denied their humanity, regarding themselves and all of us as wretched, sinful creatures by nature, who could only be saved by the grace of God—completely crumble.
More and more, I saw these so-called "godly" people make hypocritical fools of themselves, revealing how truly lost and unhappy they were deep down. In a way it was very sad, but in another, I must admit that it was somewhat (perhaps sickly) satisfying and vindicating. Maybe I wasn't just a "bad Christian" for questioning these people so much and being unable to completely buy what they were selling. Maybe there was something to my growing skepticism.
I often listened to Christian leaders say that as Christians, we were supposed to be "beacons of light" that would convert others simply because they would be so drawn to us and want to be like us. The problem was, I couldn't find a single Christian that I actually wanted to be like. Not one. And the people I watched get "drawn in" were often the most hurt, desperate and confused kinds of people I had ever encountered. It made me uncomfortable. Unwittingly (to give the benefit of the doubt), it seemed the church took advantage of their confusion and seeking—of our confusion and seeking. Come and trade one delusion for another.
Eventually, my questioning evolved to, why should I believe that all homosexuals are "living in sin" simply because the Bible says so?
Then (much later), why should I believe that I am inherently a wicked sinner in need of saving simply because the Bible says I am?
The slippery slope of questioning is exactly what many church leaders are most terrified of. And it was my path to freedom—and authentic spiritual awakening.
Finally, I arrived upon, why should I believe Christianity is the only way to God simply because the Bible says so?
I'm finding that the more I let go of the concepts that organized religion pushed on me for all those years (trust me, I'm still in the process), the better and better I feel. I've never felt more spiritually connected to God/the Universe/whatever-you-want-to-call-it (it's nice to no longer have an obsessive need to define what that is :p) than I do right now. And I can't remember the last time I went to church. Honestly, I've never been as happy as I am right now.
I'm learning to love life. I'm learning to love and embrace the unknown, rather than be terrified of it. Most importantly, I'm learning to love and trust myself. In my opinion, one of the most dangerous things organized religion does is it tells us that we CANNOT trust ourselves. You need the Bible to tell you what to do, you need some guy called a pastor or priest to tell you what to do. After all, you are a sinner by nature; your thoughts, feelings and impulses cannot, under any circumstance, be trusted. You are the enemy.
The fact that so many people still operate under this belief system breaks my heart. It's such a dreary, deluded, fear-based way to live—I know because I was once there. And I can't even begin to explain how happy I am to be away from that place now. I have no idea what's next—not when I die, not tomorrow, not even a minute from now, for that matter. But I'm perfectly happy with that.
Hi Kaitlin. I just read an article you wrote and published on Rebelle Society, and it resonated with me so much I followed it here.
ReplyDeleteI too, am an empath/hsp, and recently (within the past year) woke up to life with an intense creative energy. I'm a writer, and an artist, and I aspire to heal in any way I can. I also hail from such a religious background, and grew up in a Southern conservative context. For the first time in my life I am openly distant from it, and finding the real Divine inside me, fully compassionate, loving, and equally masculine, feminine and beyond those too. There is a quote attributed to St. Augustine (though I somehow doubt this is its true origin) that goes: "The church is a whore, but she is my mother." This is sort of an approximation of how I feel. I experienced Divine Love through my Christian upbringing, but like you I've come to find that these experiences were not Christian, not dogmatic in nature.
My deepest issue with Christianity is also the diminished role of the feminine, and the strange pains my own mother took to try to validate this ideology was always difficult for me to process. It's so refreshing to read about someone else processing something so specifically similar. The same questions always puzzled my compassionate nature, and they cropped up in a similar way. It's so strange to me now that I tried to hold onto the identity for so long. I think it was to appease my family; I realize now that sometimes the tribe we are born into is not the tribe we necessarily fit well into, though in a divine context it is the right space at the right time.
I am freer now than ever, and I no longer feel my humanity, my physicality, my sex, my inhabiting a body, somehow inherently makes me unworthy of unconditional Love. It appears to me that the biggest lie ever told was that we are somehow separate from God. It is indeed heartbreaking that so many people still suffer under this spiritual oppression.
Now I'm off to go read whatever else you've ever written and published here. Seriously, it was like a little quirky blip went off in my spirit to read this, as well as in the "10 Reminders" article you wrote. Thanks for putting your experience out there for the world to read.
Thank you, kindred spirit! So very glad you found your way here :) My greatest hope for this blog is that my experience may resonate deeply with another person's, and I'm so happy to hear that it has with you. As I'm sure you can imagine after reading this post, I can't tell you how much I relate to everything you've said. The lie of being separate from God is such a deeply damaging one -- a lie that organized religion seems to be centered around. So happy to hear you've found the strength to distance yourself from an oppressive religious background to discover the Divine is already within you -- it's not an easy thing to do! Thanks so much for sharing! <3
DeleteI too found my way here via Rebelle Society. This is such a good piece and I have to tell you I am the mother figure in it. But I also should tell you that I found my way out of it over 25 years ago for all the reasons you give and more. Now I am truly "free indeed' no help from the church or christianity. It is a wonderful exciting journey that you are on and it will be nice to see where it leads you. The possibilities are nearly endless for there are a cornucopia of ways to find the divine. Happy trails!
ReplyDeleteThat is so inspiring and makes me so happy to hear! :) And your words make me even more excited for what the future may bring. Lots and lots of blessings to you - thank you for sharing!
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