For the past decade or so, I've been slowly but surely inching my way out of the tiny, suffocating box called organized religion—specifically Christianity, in my case.
Whether by nature or because of my religious upbringing—but most likely a mix of both—I've always been a spiritually inclined person. As a kid, I remember my mom (who had become a "Born-Again Christian" shortly after I was born) showing me how to invite the Holy Spirit into my heart through prayer.
I did as she instructed and then matter-of-factly told her something like, "It worked! I just felt Jesus hug my heart." And I wasn't lying. At that moment, I truly did feel a warm, divinely comforting presence swelling in my chest as though it were encasing my heart. I can still remember it. And it wouldn't be the last time I felt it. I went on for many years after that, happily and easily believing that there was a God who loved and looked after me, and that he was the Christian God, because my family and church told me he was.
The first time I can remember starting to seriously question my faith was when I stumbled across a book my mom's friend had lent her, when I was about 12 or so. It was nauseatingly titled something to the effect of, The Submissive Wife. Curious what "submissive" even meant, I flipped through the pages and read, with confusion that quickly turned to disgust, a woman giving other women advice on how to be more "obedient" to their husbands, supporting her assertions with Bible passages. I went on to read the author applaud a woman for "saving" her marriage to a man she found out was molesting their 13-year-old daughter. This was supposed to be an example of a success story—a marriage that prevailed even through the greatest hardship.
I vividly remember getting so angry that I literally hurled the book against the wall.
Who is the God this brainwashed, self-hating idiot is talking about? Certainly not the God I know...or thought I knew? Am I worth inherently less and meant to be subservient to men just because I'm a girl? This can't be true! This goes against everything I think and feel! I can't accept this! But...will I go to hell if I don't?
Practically panicked, I brought these concerns to my mom, hoping for her to say something reassuring like, "This book belongs in the trash. That's just a sad, sick woman. That's not who God is and that's not what Christianity is about." After all, my mom certainly didn't appear to abide by the sickening principles that this book (and, apparently, the Bible) promoted, in her marriage to my dad.
But there was no reassurance to be had. My mom was searching and confused herself, trying to find her own way. And though she conceded that the "success story" about the "godly wife" staying with her daughter-raping husband was despicably wrong, I watched her do mental gymnastics to try and soften the other less shocking (but still deplorable) things the author said, attempting to make them sound less ridiculous and derogatory than they actually were. She tried to wrap the author's cited Bible verses around hypothetical examples that simply didn't fit or only magnified the absurdity.
I could see that she was squelching her own logic and intuition for the sake of trying to make a specific Bible passage applicable to the life of any sane and decent person. To avoid disregarding the verse altogether (gasp!), she instead concocted a bunch of euphemistic "what-that's-really-trying-to-says." This was the same kind of (lack of) logic I would go on to see people at church employing constantly—well-intentioned people, anyway. Of course, every so often, you'd run into the hateful lunatic that actually stood by literal biblical interpretations—but to their credit, at least they were consistent. Anyway, after talking to my mom, I felt even more bitterly frustrated and hopelessly confused than before.
My struggle with the sexism I saw in Christianity—which became increasingly blaring when my mom transferred us from a run-of-the-mill catholic church to an evangelical, born-again church—plagued me for years. And it served as a spring board, off of which many more grievances would form—thank God (no pun intended...well maybe). As I got older and started to explore this book called the Bible for myself, I quickly realized it could not be taken literally. Not by any sane person, anyway.
...So, if the Bible can't be taken literally (seeing as it blatantly condones slavery and murder), why should anyone go along with all of the sexist, limiting stuff it says about women?
...Or any of this outdated stuff about staying "pure" until marriage, and being so ashamed and repressed when it comes to sexuality?
I managed to cling to my "Christian" identity for many, many years, despite the constant dissonance, discomfort and confusion I lived with. But these uncomfortable feelings only grew and became harder to live with as time went on. I watched the marriages of youth group and church leaders, who had preached the importance of chastity and family values, fall apart. I watched the lives of people who were "on fire for God"—which simply meant they fiercely despised and denied their humanity, regarding themselves and all of us as wretched, sinful creatures by nature, who could only be saved by the grace of God—completely crumble.
More and more, I saw these so-called "godly" people make hypocritical fools of themselves, revealing how truly lost and unhappy they were deep down. In a way it was very sad, but in another, I must admit that it was somewhat (perhaps sickly) satisfying and vindicating. Maybe I wasn't just a "bad Christian" for questioning these people so much and being unable to completely buy what they were selling. Maybe there was something to my growing skepticism.
I often listened to Christian leaders say that as Christians, we were supposed to be "beacons of light" that would convert others simply because they would be so drawn to us and want to be like us. The problem was, I couldn't find a single Christian that I actually wanted to be like. Not one. And the people I watched get "drawn in" were often the most hurt, desperate and confused kinds of people I had ever encountered. It made me uncomfortable. Unwittingly (to give the benefit of the doubt), it seemed the church took advantage of their confusion and seeking—of our confusion and seeking. Come and trade one delusion for another.
Eventually, my questioning evolved to, why should I believe that all homosexuals are "living in sin" simply because the Bible says so?
Then (much later), why should I believe that I am inherently a wicked sinner in need of saving simply because the Bible says I am?
The slippery slope of questioning is exactly what many church leaders are most terrified of. And it was my path to freedom—and authentic spiritual awakening.
Finally, I arrived upon, why should I believe Christianity is the only way to God simply because the Bible says so?
I'm finding that the more I let go of the concepts that organized religion pushed on me for all those years (trust me, I'm still in the process), the better and better I feel. I've never felt more spiritually connected to God/the Universe/whatever-you-want-to-call-it (it's nice to no longer have an obsessive need to define what that is :p) than I do right now. And I can't remember the last time I went to church. Honestly, I've never been as happy as I am right now.
I'm learning to love life. I'm learning to love and embrace the unknown, rather than be terrified of it. Most importantly, I'm learning to love and trust myself. In my opinion, one of the most dangerous things organized religion does is it tells us that we CANNOT trust ourselves. You need the Bible to tell you what to do, you need some guy called a pastor or priest to tell you what to do. After all, you are a sinner by nature; your thoughts, feelings and impulses cannot, under any circumstance, be trusted. You are the enemy.
The fact that so many people still operate under this belief system breaks my heart. It's such a dreary, deluded, fear-based way to live—I know because I was once there. And I can't even begin to explain how happy I am to be away from that place now. I have no idea what's next—not when I die, not tomorrow, not even a minute from now, for that matter. But I'm perfectly happy with that.
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
Monday, February 9, 2015
Reminders for the Creative Soul
(Also appearing on Rebelle Society)
Some of us are called to live lives of creativity and unconventionality - you know who you are. I sometimes wonder if all, not just some, of us are meant to live such lives (which would mean, in an ideal world, there would be no such thing as "conventionality"), but most people ignore the call and instead live muted, dulled versions of what their lives could have been for the sake of convenience, comfort, stability and/or money. I don't know.
Either way - if you hear the call, don't ignore it.
As I'm sure everyone can relate to, one of the most tragic parts about growing into adulthood was how the pressures of the "real world" slowly but surely buried and stifled the wild, free imagination that was mine in childhood. I never lost it completely; it just went into dormancy.
I am only now just beginning to unbury that creative essence. Recently, my sleepy but awakening inner child gifted me with a sudden, brief flash of clarity that I felt compelled to write down as something to remind myself of whenever I get bogged down with the kinds of things that put my inner child to sleep in the first place. And hopefully, these reminders can also be helpful to any kindred spirits out there :)
Throw positive, inspired action in the direction of your dreams.
But don't obsess over what that action "should" be. One of my dreams is to be an author. And right now, I have a specific book that I intend to write, but I sometimes hit a wall when brainstorming. Or I just don't feel inspired to brainstorm at all. But I should force myself to keep brainstorming, right? My intention is to create a storyline for this book, so my action should be to brainstorm ideas and figure the damn thing out already.
This kind of thinking usually precedes the good old spiral of negativity, which typically goes something like this: UGH. I can't believe how long this is taking me. Why can't I think of anything good? Whatever, I'm going on facebook now.
Sometimes it's better to take a step back and look at the bigger picture, especially when you're stuck on details. For example, instead of "I want to be an author of this specific book," I've been trying ,"I want to be a writer," and then just start writing - whatever I feel like writing at the moment. Anything. Trust that taking broader action can and will spill over into your specific goals.
Stop judging yourself and being scared to make mistakes.
And just create. Ideally, creating should be something that's carefree, flowing and fun - just like it was when you were a kid. Judging yourself not only sucks all the fun out of it, but stifles (and sometimes even kills) the entire process. Don't be afraid of "bad" ideas.
"There is no innovation and creativity without failure. Period." - Brene Brown
Failure is inevitable. I find that I usually have to come up with at least a hundred "bad" ideas before finally stumbling across a "good" one. I also recently noticed that I often turn taking action towards my dreams into a grueling, exhausting ordeal, with all of my critical, negative self-talk. Upon finally realizing this, it hit me...why should I be anything but positive and overflowing with love and patience for myself, especially when taking the time to follow after my dreams?
But in order to do any of this, it's essential to...
Trust yourself.
Trust that you are creative. Trust that you can trust yourself, even after you fail. Trust that everything you need to fulfill your dreams is already within you now.
Get comfortable with discomfort
...And with the fact that you probably never will. Putting yourself out there is uncomfortable, failure is uncomfortable. As with so many things in life, I believe involved detachment is key; remember and stay open to the infinite possibilities available to you. Don't be afraid to pour your time and energy into creating an entire world, only to have to demolish and re-build it from scratch. It's all meant to be.
Embrace the messiness.
As a bit of an organization- and control-freak, I'm learning that I need to stop trying fit everything I do into a neat little category. I need to let go of the compulsion to have everything outlined, listed and planned out - this mindset simply isn't compatible with creativity, which is often sporadic, bursting and nonlinear.
Stop waiting around for the "perfect time."
Because it will never come. It is now. Don't wait around for inspiration - sure, there are those wonderful, effortless times when she will pay me a surprise visit, but I find she usually prefers to meet me halfway.
Vibrate at the level of your dreams.
Act as though your dreams are already yours. It's no mystery that we attract what we emit - live from a place of belief that your dreams are already as good as realized (while, of course, taking action towards them) and they will manifest faster. I find the principle of Acting As If to be tremendously helpful when it comes to this.
Stop worrying about how to make money from what you're creating.
What more could anyone want than to make a living doing what they love? It's ok to acknowledge that this is your end hope, but don't focus too much on monetization; it will only side-track you and may cheapen your creation. All that matters is going in the direction of your passion. Trust that all material needs will naturally follow in right timing.
You don't have to have just one purpose.
You may have one primary passion that trumps all others. Or you may have several, or even a dozen, things you're passionate about. Or you may have a number of interests, but aren't even sure what you're passionate about yet. Your passions may remain constant throughout your life, or they could change completely, numerous times. Don't feel like you have to choose just one "calling."
Plan - optional.
I've heard many times that the intentions we set must be clear ones. But I haven't found this to be necessarily true for me. Yes, the clearer the intention, the better - usually. However, if your heart is being pulled strongly in a certain direction, but you're not sure exactly what that means (ex: I feel compelled to develop my intuitive abilities, but I don't know to what end or for what purpose), you don't necessarily have to wait around for a clear goal to form. Set an open-ended intention, take positive action in the direction you're being pulled, and trust the specifics will form as you go.
Some of us are called to live lives of creativity and unconventionality - you know who you are. I sometimes wonder if all, not just some, of us are meant to live such lives (which would mean, in an ideal world, there would be no such thing as "conventionality"), but most people ignore the call and instead live muted, dulled versions of what their lives could have been for the sake of convenience, comfort, stability and/or money. I don't know.
Either way - if you hear the call, don't ignore it.
As I'm sure everyone can relate to, one of the most tragic parts about growing into adulthood was how the pressures of the "real world" slowly but surely buried and stifled the wild, free imagination that was mine in childhood. I never lost it completely; it just went into dormancy.
I am only now just beginning to unbury that creative essence. Recently, my sleepy but awakening inner child gifted me with a sudden, brief flash of clarity that I felt compelled to write down as something to remind myself of whenever I get bogged down with the kinds of things that put my inner child to sleep in the first place. And hopefully, these reminders can also be helpful to any kindred spirits out there :)
Throw positive, inspired action in the direction of your dreams.
But don't obsess over what that action "should" be. One of my dreams is to be an author. And right now, I have a specific book that I intend to write, but I sometimes hit a wall when brainstorming. Or I just don't feel inspired to brainstorm at all. But I should force myself to keep brainstorming, right? My intention is to create a storyline for this book, so my action should be to brainstorm ideas and figure the damn thing out already.
This kind of thinking usually precedes the good old spiral of negativity, which typically goes something like this: UGH. I can't believe how long this is taking me. Why can't I think of anything good? Whatever, I'm going on facebook now.
Sometimes it's better to take a step back and look at the bigger picture, especially when you're stuck on details. For example, instead of "I want to be an author of this specific book," I've been trying ,"I want to be a writer," and then just start writing - whatever I feel like writing at the moment. Anything. Trust that taking broader action can and will spill over into your specific goals.
Stop judging yourself and being scared to make mistakes.
And just create. Ideally, creating should be something that's carefree, flowing and fun - just like it was when you were a kid. Judging yourself not only sucks all the fun out of it, but stifles (and sometimes even kills) the entire process. Don't be afraid of "bad" ideas.
"There is no innovation and creativity without failure. Period." - Brene Brown
Failure is inevitable. I find that I usually have to come up with at least a hundred "bad" ideas before finally stumbling across a "good" one. I also recently noticed that I often turn taking action towards my dreams into a grueling, exhausting ordeal, with all of my critical, negative self-talk. Upon finally realizing this, it hit me...why should I be anything but positive and overflowing with love and patience for myself, especially when taking the time to follow after my dreams?
But in order to do any of this, it's essential to...
Trust yourself.
Trust that you are creative. Trust that you can trust yourself, even after you fail. Trust that everything you need to fulfill your dreams is already within you now.
Get comfortable with discomfort
...And with the fact that you probably never will. Putting yourself out there is uncomfortable, failure is uncomfortable. As with so many things in life, I believe involved detachment is key; remember and stay open to the infinite possibilities available to you. Don't be afraid to pour your time and energy into creating an entire world, only to have to demolish and re-build it from scratch. It's all meant to be.
Embrace the messiness.
As a bit of an organization- and control-freak, I'm learning that I need to stop trying fit everything I do into a neat little category. I need to let go of the compulsion to have everything outlined, listed and planned out - this mindset simply isn't compatible with creativity, which is often sporadic, bursting and nonlinear.
Stop waiting around for the "perfect time."
Because it will never come. It is now. Don't wait around for inspiration - sure, there are those wonderful, effortless times when she will pay me a surprise visit, but I find she usually prefers to meet me halfway.
Vibrate at the level of your dreams.
Act as though your dreams are already yours. It's no mystery that we attract what we emit - live from a place of belief that your dreams are already as good as realized (while, of course, taking action towards them) and they will manifest faster. I find the principle of Acting As If to be tremendously helpful when it comes to this.
Stop worrying about how to make money from what you're creating.
What more could anyone want than to make a living doing what they love? It's ok to acknowledge that this is your end hope, but don't focus too much on monetization; it will only side-track you and may cheapen your creation. All that matters is going in the direction of your passion. Trust that all material needs will naturally follow in right timing.
You don't have to have just one purpose.
You may have one primary passion that trumps all others. Or you may have several, or even a dozen, things you're passionate about. Or you may have a number of interests, but aren't even sure what you're passionate about yet. Your passions may remain constant throughout your life, or they could change completely, numerous times. Don't feel like you have to choose just one "calling."
Plan - optional.
I've heard many times that the intentions we set must be clear ones. But I haven't found this to be necessarily true for me. Yes, the clearer the intention, the better - usually. However, if your heart is being pulled strongly in a certain direction, but you're not sure exactly what that means (ex: I feel compelled to develop my intuitive abilities, but I don't know to what end or for what purpose), you don't necessarily have to wait around for a clear goal to form. Set an open-ended intention, take positive action in the direction you're being pulled, and trust the specifics will form as you go.
The creative adult is the child who survived after the world tried killing them, making them 'grown up.' The creative adult is the child who survived the blandness of schooling, the unhelpful words of bad teachers, and the nay-saying ways of the world. The creative adult is in essence simply that, a child."
- Ursula K. Le Guin
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